Sometimes it takes more than just an obstacle to open our eyes.
Sometimes it takes more than just one mistake to make us learn.
Sometimes it takes too many breakdowns, downfalls, and heartbreaks, for us to see more than what meets the eye.
But Allah never gives up on us, either way. Never.
Imagine how many times we let Him down. Imagine how many times we have upset Him.
Imagine how many times we lie to ourselves about becoming better and yet we failed right before His eyes.
And yet we're still here, still healthy and breathing.
"So which of the favors of your lord would you deny?" (55:13)
These past few days, I kept on asking for impossible things. Something beyond my reach, something I am not capable of having. But then again, nothing is impossible if you're strong enough to achieve it. Nothing beats the power to believe, and putting faith in oneself. Nothing beats destiny, if He wills for it to happen. Unfortunately, I realized that I wasn't strong enough for it. I was too weak. I had no bullets and yet I was so eager to shoot. Shoot at possibilities.
I failed. Then I began to blame everything around me, including myself. Everything seemed so shallow. Everything seemed so blurry and dark. It's like falling into a pit, endlessly without meeting ground.
But upon reflection I realized,
I've counted so many things that went wrong, and even predicted those that might go wrong,
I forgot to count the good things I already have and the good things that might happen.
A wise friend once told me, "Selalulah bersangka baik dengan Allah. Bukanlah Dia tak sayang kita, tapi mungkin kita lama lupakan Dia, Dia beri peluang untuk kita ingat Dia balik. Itu lebih baik daripada Allah pinggirkan kita selama-lamanya."
"Allah does not burden a soul beyond it can bear" (2:286)
Things can be so tough, it kills. But never, ever lose faith. I remembered back when I was in college, during one of the usrah(s), a sister told us, "Talk to Allah as if you're talking to your best friend. Siapa je lebih layak untuk jadi best friend awak kalau bukan Allah sendiri?"
And I must say, I did what she told us to. I guess that's why I was stronger back then. I never missed talking to Him every night. It was like talking to a father, telling stories on how everyday went by, how it ruined me, built me, impressed me, upset me, etc. At some moments I really felt like He was there, listening patiently. Like a child, I wept and told Him everything I went through, hoping that He would understand.
Though nothing changed much, I remained strong. At times I knew it was the only thing to do. Because deep down, I knew He was there, watching, well aware of everything I was doing and that He would protect me no matter what happened.
And I did it. I survived college, though it was hell. I barely survived and I felt so thankful for that. I was forever grateful...Until I came here, I seemed to forget that. I stopped doing what I did, and I slowly drifted from the path I was on before. I wasn't as close to Him as I was before. At one moment, I felt like I was completely lost.
And when I drifted too far, I felt as if He wasn't watching over me anymore. I felt as though I upset Him too much, I deserved to be alone.
But I was wrong. Everything crumbled before me because I allowed it to. Everything seemed so hard because I never put the effort to make it easy. Again, I was so eager to shoot yet I had no bullets with me. I had no faith in myself, and I was wrong all along.
Allah is always there, watching me. He never left. I kept my back facing Him that I refused to accept the things He changed, or allowed me to change. Tapi sampai bila?
A note of advice to everyone, especially myself, don't ever lose faith. If, at one point of life you have lost your way, know that Allah loves you, and if He sent you a sign to bring you back, embrace it and learn. Know that He still cares when He does that. Know that testing you is also a way of showing His love and care for you.
And if, by any chance, you are reading this and you are currently feeling worried, anxious, overwhelmed, struggling, or even questioning Allah, listen. Take a deep breath, and remember all the good things Allah has blessed you with. And whatever He plans for you now, no matter how hard and painful, it is to bring you back stronger, wiser and better than you ever were.
You are loved. You are remembered. Just don't lose the faith. For He will always be there with open arms, waiting for you to return home, to make things right.
Allow me to end this blog post with a very popular quote to some, but to those who need it, they'll find very useful,
"When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty, trust Him fully because two things can happen: Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly." <3