even when i think about it for a moment then and now, i still couldn't believe it.
true enough, if i think i can make it, i certainly can. and i did.
but of course, game's not over.
the results are coming out this July, and it's during Raya celebrations.
i don't even know what to feel, or think.
the best thing to say is that probably my heart and mind are filled with nothing but fear, and doubt.
to start of with, i never wanted to take engineering.
but you know what the quote says, ''Allah's 'no' is not a rejection, but a redirection.''
so when college decided engineering for me instead of medicine, i only have this quote in mind.
at least, that's what i hold onto for two years straight.
and it's not easy at all.
the inner conflicts, the dilemma...only Allah knows how much i suffered back then. not even a living soul knows what i've been through. or feels. even so, i had the support i needed, so thanks a lot to those bunch of cool people.
there are three possible outcomes though, for this. for July 2016.
1. either i get my required diploma and scholarship.
2. i get my required diploma, but without scholarship.
3. i get none of the above.
what scares me most is the third one.
even though the chances are rare, but there still are possibilities.
i doubted myself before. and i was afraid it'll take its toll on my results.
because let's face it, engineering is one of the hardest courses in IB, relatively to others.
and i am just like a fish out of water, lost and breathless.
fear, fear, fear.
doubts, doubts, and doubts.
we say never doubt Allah's plans for us.
i didn't.
or at least, i tried,
real hard.
so what's in it for me? i don't know.
cross fingers, no doubt. all i had to do now is pray and tawakkal.
because indeed, only Allah knows. only Him.
and He is the Best Painter of my life canvas.
wallahualam.
miya salzihan