"Blessed"

Sometimes it takes more than just an obstacle to open our eyes.

Sometimes it takes more than just one mistake to make us learn. 

Sometimes it takes too many breakdowns, downfalls, and heartbreaks, for us to see more than what meets the eye.

But Allah never gives up on us, either way. Never.

Imagine how many times we let Him down. Imagine how many times we have upset Him. 

Imagine how many times we lie to ourselves about becoming better and yet we failed right before His eyes.

And yet we're still here, still healthy and breathing. 

"So which of the favors of your lord would you deny?" (55:13)

These past few days, I kept on asking for impossible things. Something beyond my reach, something I am not capable of having. But then again, nothing is impossible if you're strong enough to achieve it. Nothing beats the power to believe, and putting faith in oneself. Nothing beats destiny, if He wills for it to happen. Unfortunately, I realized that I wasn't strong enough for it. I was too weak. I had no bullets and yet I was so eager to shoot. Shoot at possibilities. 

I failed. Then I began to blame everything around me, including myself. Everything seemed so shallow. Everything seemed so blurry and dark. It's like falling into a pit, endlessly without meeting ground. 

But upon reflection I realized,

I've counted so many things that went wrong, and even predicted those that might go wrong,

I forgot to count the good things I already have and the good things that might happen. 

A wise friend once told me, "Selalulah bersangka baik dengan Allah. Bukanlah Dia tak sayang kita, tapi mungkin kita lama lupakan Dia, Dia beri peluang untuk kita ingat Dia balik. Itu lebih baik daripada Allah pinggirkan kita selama-lamanya."

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond it can bear" (2:286)

Things can be so tough, it kills. But never, ever lose faith. I remembered back when I was in college, during one of the usrah(s), a sister told us, "Talk to Allah as if you're talking to your best friend. Siapa je lebih layak untuk jadi best friend awak kalau bukan Allah sendiri?" 

And I must say, I did what she told us to. I guess that's why I was stronger back then. I never missed talking to Him every night. It was like talking to a father, telling stories on how everyday went by, how it ruined me, built me, impressed me, upset me, etc. At some moments I really felt like He was there, listening patiently. Like a child, I wept and told Him everything I went through, hoping that He would understand. 

Though nothing changed much, I remained strong. At times I knew it was the only thing to do. Because deep down, I knew He was there, watching, well aware of everything I was doing and that He would protect me no matter what happened. 

And I did it. I survived college, though it was hell. I barely survived and I felt so thankful for that. I was forever grateful...Until I came here, I seemed to forget that. I stopped doing what I did, and I slowly drifted from the path I was on before. I wasn't as close to Him as I was before. At one moment, I felt like I was completely lost. 

And when I drifted too far, I felt as if He wasn't watching over me anymore. I felt as though I upset Him too much, I deserved to be alone. 

But I was wrong. Everything crumbled before me because I allowed it to. Everything seemed so hard because I never put the effort to make it easy. Again, I was so eager to shoot yet I had no bullets with me. I had no faith in myself, and I was wrong all along. 

Allah is always there, watching me. He never left. I kept my back facing Him that I refused to accept the things He changed, or allowed me to change. Tapi sampai bila?

A note of advice to everyone, especially myself, don't ever lose faith. If, at one point of life you have lost your way, know that Allah loves you, and if He sent you a sign to bring you back, embrace it and learn. Know that He still cares when He does that. Know that testing you is also a way of showing His love and care for you. 

And if, by any chance, you are reading this and you are currently feeling worried, anxious, overwhelmed, struggling, or even questioning Allah, listen. Take a deep breath, and remember all the good things Allah has blessed you with. And whatever He plans for you now, no matter how hard and painful, it is to bring you back stronger, wiser and better than you ever were. 

You are loved. You are remembered. Just don't lose the faith. For He will always be there with open arms, waiting for you to return home, to make things right. 

Allow me to end this blog post with a very popular quote to some, but to those who need it, they'll find very useful,

"When God pushes you to the edge of difficulty, trust Him fully because two things can happen: Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly." <3

"Happiness"

Happiness. A word that can simply change a person's life by its existence.

Happiness is subjective. Some people define happiness as acquiring the sweet taste of faith of one's religion, some can be as simple as making sure they have their morning tea with a good book to read every Saturday. Some haven't got a clue what their true happiness bounds to be, but they figured the cliche things like the bonds in family and friendship would suffice. 

Is it good that you have it? Or is it better that you don't?

Now that's really up to you. How would you define happiness? How often do you get it? Have you achieved it? Or haven't you? Is it worth fighting for? Does it really make you happy once you obtain it? How hard is it for you to reach it? 

Is it really...?

I've watched myself fall into despair so many times. I've watched some of my loved ones fall too. So many times we tried to achieve something we believed could guarantee us happiness, we lost. And that's why, up to a certain point, I stopped and asked myself, "How good will this do to me if I lose myself along the way?"

Now don't misunderstand this with dreams. Dreams would of course make you happy if you are able to achieve them. Depends, though. I would not call myself a dreamer much. Hence why my happiness isn't entirely bound to my dreams. In my case, happiness can vary.

As I grow up, I began to learn a thing or two about redefining the term. Initially my ultimate happiness was when I gained the trust and support from those around me, on things that I did and things we worked on together. Or maybe the mutual understanding formed between friends. So that one day friends can become family. However as I grow older I realized it was more of a child's dream. It was never as easy as being said. I am now at a stage where those near me are ones who not only shared different perspectives from mine, but came from a different society background and I had no choice but to adapt and survive. I grew up with my happiness bound to the sweetness and purity of friendship. But ever since college I learned as much to change it. 

And then I realized, I got happier.

A friend of mine said she's happy when she sees herself as "pretty".
But one day she fell low and deep because she thought she was never "pretty enough". 
So she worked hard to change herself to be prettier and admirable, but instead she tormented herself to become something she's not. 
Today I see her as a completely different person, lost and confused.

A friend of mine said she's happy that she has a friend who completes her. 
And one day it no longer works that way.
So she worked hard to fix her friendship when she knew better it could never be saved. 
Today I see her still trying, losing herself along the way.

One so dear to me was in shatters when she couldn't find the true love she desired, which to her, would be her ultimate joy.
So she kept on giving herself away to new, unworthy love and received more heartbreaks in the end. 
Today I see her broken and heartless, but continues anyway.

In the end... Is it all really worth it?

Yes, happiness is subjective. And it varies individually. But how would you define it? What's the point of calling it happiness when you lost everything you hold so dear to you by the time you have it?

Everything you hold so dear...Especially yourself?

By the time I realized and learned that, my term changed. 

1) Efforts matter.
I have things I really wanted to achieve, for example to excel in my studies. But if the marks I received weren't as high, I'll be happy enough to congratulate myself for trying hard. 

2) Little things matter.
Sometimes things don't always go the way you want them to. Sometimes the day doesn't end the way you wanted it to be. But at least, appreciate the little things that happen that day that could have made you smile. For example your friend asked you if you're okay, or you managed to finish all your chores. Or as simple as you saw the clock's ticking and you realized that class was going to end soon. Little things matter, if not the big ones.

3) I, matter. You, matter.
People can bring you down. Even those you admire and love so much. But remember that you matter too. If the friendship or relationship don't work both ways, leave. Your feelings are just as valuable as that person's. Don't ever lose yourself for someone who's not worth it. Don't lose your value just to be of value of someone else. Be you, and remember that you, too, matter.

4) In the end, it's for the Deen.
At the end of the day, I realized that life is always for the Almighty. No matter how I define my happiness, my ultimate joy will be when I achieve Jannah and get to see Him with my own eyes. It has always been Him. No matter who and what puts me down, my life will always be to impress Him with my deeds. Him, and only Him.

I am still young and learning. I get happy, I get upset, I get sad, I get angry. It's normal, because I'm also human like you. But as a person who has feelings and agendas, I figured I have to set my points clear. What makes me happy, what is it that I'm trying to achieve...etc...etc. And as a person who observes, I find that it matters a lot. It's good if you have found your meaning of joy and still in bliss now. But for those who don't, it's okay. As long you don't lose yourself, and your faith, you'll be okay. And you won't be lost forever. 

Life is short. 
So don't waste it. Redefine your happiness, look at things at a different angle. And one day, you'll realize...

Happiness will find you.

From Wollongong to Snowy Mountains; Bucket List Achieved!

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Felt like it would take me at least a year to update a new post here, but lately there were so many good things happening and I thought it would be such a waste if I don't write about all of them here. So fair warning, this is going to be a reaaaally long post. What's a loss when you can share the happiness around? Right?

There are two events in total. Just two, but worth my entire winter break. But honestly though, I thought these events won't be as good as they were, if I hadn't found out about my results beforehand.

The same day I found out about my results was the same day I joined a trip with the le cool kidz to Wollongong. There were Ezlan, Nigel, Alip and Zuhairi (or Zu). I received remarks like "bapak ahh minah ni pegi dgn lelaki je, takde perempuan lain ke join?" I'm sorry. Initially Jose was with us but then something came up and she had to step down. Hence, why I was the only girl in the team. I apologized beforehand if this seemed unpleasant to certain people. Good points for the boys though; they're very nice and kewl (minus being late). So no worries. Gais please gais "9.20am dah gerak" means dah gerak tau, bukan baru nak bangun aduhaiiiii hahahhaa anak dara oh anak dara.

So... Pergi Wollongong cari apa? Cari ayam gaisss, legit. Haha. Not KFC, not Opporto, but Chikos. What's that? I never heard about it too honestly, but I gotta tell you, their fried chickens are the bomb! A bit pricey but omg it was yummyyyy. So 9/10! It took a 2-hour train to reach there, so short advise, unless you have a good company with you, don't go there all by yourself. Penat tau pegi semata- mata nak cari ayam je, sorang2 pulak tu. Thankfully enough, Chikos is located very near to the beach, jadi sambil makan, sambil tu kita tadabbur alam huhu mashaAllah bagusnya.

It was more than fine, the guys ate a lot then after that sama2 solat tepi pantai hahha alahai lucu pulak rasa bila ingat balik. Especially kalau ingat Ezlan. Bayangkan, dah elok jadi imam solat, habis je bagi salam n baca doa, lipat sejadah, laju je tangan dia ambik phone, pastu ehhhhh pergi pasang lagu korea pulak dah. Maka mulalah konsert kpop di situ. Konsert, by all means, Ezlan wasn't dancing alone. The other boys danced too, in fact. MashaAllah gais. Ke mana perginya solat tadi? hahaha aduhai. Can't imagine kalau Audy and Jose ada jugak. Kecoh satu pantai, mungkin. Tourists pun tak sanggup nak singgah pantai sbb takut hahaha k tkdelah gurau je. Korang awesome. Hiks.

Habis makan sume, sightseeing sikit, then we went back. Naik train, penuh pulak manusia dalam train, so we ended up sitting on the floor mcm penganggur haha. For 2 hours gais omg imagine that. What a night. Alip tidur, Nigel layan lagu sorang2 kat tepi, Zu pun, while Ezlan and I gossiped with no ends haha. Habis train, naik tram. Same thing, penuh jugak maka berdirilah kami semua for about 30 mins. Pegi Nur Muhammad to eat, dpt makanan free byk byk weeeeeee alhamdulillah thank you sgt sgt. Berbaloi jdi last customer haha. Naik bas after that, terdiam semua orang sbb penat sgt hahaha. Overall, it was fun, really, despite the bad start. So thanks dooo korang. Especially Ezlan and Zu for walking me home and ensuring my safety. Mcm adik pulak rasa haha. May Allah bless you guys.

Ingat habis kat situ je, yelah kan, exam dah dekat, I need to study. But nooooo. Haha noooo. Someone came with the idea nak pegi Snowy Mountain pulak. I was like "Wow seriously guys? Really?" But I was okay with that. In fact, I was excited for it. Because I simply thought, drpd termenung je fikirkan result, why not I spend a day off to have fun and enjoy myself, right? I mean, why waste the winter break... Selagi ada peluang, pergi jelah :)

So yeaaaaay maka bermulalah Snowy Mountain trip kitorang tu. Sewa dua kereta, then drove at 12am. I volunteered to drive first then Jose second. I personally requested Ezlan to be the co-driver because he's cool liddat and he's more than okay with the idea. Sangatlah function with keeping me wide awake as I drive, but no so function with the maps hahahah. Still, big thanks to him for being the best karaoke partner for the 4-hour drive. Yassss I drove almost 4 hours at night pipelsss omg I'm so proud of myself. Siap main2 potong2 pulak dgn kereta Alip hahahaha pastu drive side by side ala2 fast furious 7 giteww hahaha teruk betul perangai. Alip said I drove fast huhu sorry gais, excited. He drove way faster than me though. Main langgar je speed limit haha yolo. Nevertheless we all reached Snowy Mountain safe and sound, Alhamdulillah. 

Sampai je Snowy Mountains, masing2 berhuhuhhuhuhuhu. Why? Because funny enough there were 8 of us, but NONE i tell you, NONE, checked the weather forecast. Siapa sangka kita akan main snow dalam hujan :') MashaAllah seksanya. Keluar2 je kereta semua menangis berjemaah (k tkdelah, over je). It was freezing!!!! I could hardly feel my fingers plus masing2 terkedu hahahha redho je, apa boleh buat. It's too late to go back, we all came this far. So we had breakfast aka nasi goreng that I cooked ft bihun goreng that Rifdi cooked, and honorable mention to Ezlan's cookies, lemang n belacan haha. Makan dlm hujan ok, sedih sungguh. But then........right after we're done eating, suddenly those raindrops turned to SNOW!!! Allahuakbar cantiknyaaaaaa. All of us screamed hahaha we were so excited, God knows how happy we were. Maka semua lari2 pegi tmpat snowboarding, despite the rain, semua redah je and had fun. Like they said, "yolo gais yolo. it's now or never."

So was it worth it? YES! Semua siap baring2 lagi atas snow hahaha omg we were all acting like kids. We even had our snowball fight. Sakittttttt ok. Idk who threw snowballs a lot to me but I swear that person deserved a good punch haha aduuh agak agak la bro jgn la baling kat belakang orang. Not cool ok?! hahaha. K tkdelah gurau je. Next, we built our very own hippie Olaf (thanks to Rifdi who initiated) and guess what, tourists stopped and took pictures with it! Hasif was like "Miya, ambik la gmbr tourists tu sume. Buat kenangan." So yes, I did. Bangga okay. Bermanfaat jugaklah Olaf kami tu. Comel pulak tu. Haih rindunya. T.T

Spent about four hours there, then masing- masing dah tak tahan sejuk. Everyone was shivering from head to toe so we decided to call it a day. Gave a hot pack to Alif tapi sayangnya tak function. Menggigil teruk orang tu. Kesian huhu. Rifdi went from being a kid screaming all over places and an artist building snowman/guitar/tower to being a good dad; he safely brought us back to our cars and made sure everyone was okay. Went back to the place where we parked the cars then these guys tukar baju siap siap. Yang tak tahannya, dorang ni tak bawak extra jackets. Really, guys? So imagine lah dorang ni balik pakai t-shirt je. In that -1 degree weather. Sabar jelah. Kita yang perempuan ni pun tak sanggup nak tengok.

Nigel was in charge of driving us home for the whole 6 hours and me, being the co-driver, slept more than half of the trip hahahah ya Allah teruknya. Sorry Nigel. Thank you for driving us back safely. Ezlan and Jose? They spent half of the trip singing and the other half just talking. Gosh, how did they manage to stay awake? Tuhan je tahu.

Stopped by at Lakemba, bought pizzas (yummyyyy pizzas) then went back to Forsyth. Alhamdulillah. Had a quick dinner with everyone and Ezlan sempat lagi masak soup and we all have it together with lemang. The others ate while watching kpop vids on youtube hahaha so fun la these guys, really. It was a reaaaaally long day yet they're still energetic. Not so long after that, Nigel sent both me and Jose back home. We were sooo worn out and tired, we slept and woke up late the next day.

One thing though, despite all the rain and freezing cold weather, having good people around really made this trip worth it. I made new friends, like Zu and Hasif, and they're both very outgoing and kewl. Despite having a rough start of the week, this bonding session with everyone really made my winter break a good one. Really, I'd like to thank Ezlan soooo much for coming up with the idea. Without everyone's commitment and without the blessings of Allah, I don't think this will ever happen at all. And honestly, I never expected this to come. So when it did, I can never thank Allah and everyone enough.

Thanks doooo guys. I can't wait to have more trips like this in the future. And hopefully next time, I wish to see more familiar faces to join us hehe (you know who you are). I'd like to say thank you too to that one person I cherish more than anyone (again, you know who you are), thank you for being the best part of my winter break too even though you're thousands of miles away from me. I hope you're doing good there in Malaysia and thank you for bringing me up when I was down. I pray Allah ease everything for you in return for helping to ease my troubles. Take care and I can't wait to see you this 23rd July :)

Done for now hehe. Wish me luck for my exam, gais. Hopefully I'll score this one well. One thing for sure, I'll survive this. InshaAllah. I'll be okay and I promise myself that. Amin amin amin...

Will update on that later, for sure. Till then, have a blessed day and see you real soon!

miya salzihan 

Syawal, Salam Perantauan.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

It’s been a while. I miss writing, but lately I’ve been very lazy and that’s not good considering I wasted 10 days of my holidays already. I mean, come on Miya, you can do better than just being ‘lazy’.  Fast forward, I survived my first semester in UNSW. Thank god. It was challenging, but worth every struggle alhamdulillah. Wtv happened, happened. Wtv the future holds for me, I'm ready. (whispers: hopefully.) 

So, today’s 4^th Syawal and I have no open houses to go to. Well of course, since I'm not celebrating raya in Malaysia this year. Truthfully, looking at my friends’ photos made me feel so jealous like omg I wish I was there to eat everything! Funny, because four months ago I was the one who insisted not to go home because ‘tak nak bazirkan duit’ and ‘tak rindu rumah sangat’. Well, jokes on me. I spent the whole week before Raya being a complete mess. Those who know me well may have felt weird seeing me like this. Because in KMB, I never felt homesick. But I guess raya is an exception. Besides, bila lagi nak merasa makanan best-best ni kan? I miss my mom’s rendang and soto, that’s for sure. It’s also the month where everyone would gather and spread kindness; no hate, no judge, and kosong-kosong semua. We all make mistakes. I know raya should not be the only time where we would apologize to everyone but sometimes, having a month serving that as the main purpose really plays a significant role in shaping us all as a society. Ada jugak kata many people say sorry just for the sake of budaya, yelah dah raya kan, takkan lah nak buat muka batu and tak minta maaf dgn orang keliling kan? Honestly, I tell you, just reflect upon yourself. Are you being honest or are you just conforming? And really, is there a better time to say sorry? Kita ni kadang- kadang ego, malu. Ego lah sebenarnya. Just man up and apologise, okay? Be it your friends or jiran belakang rumah. Dah dah la tu gaduh. Tak elok… tak manis. And don’t bother about people’s honesty. What matters is yours. If you’re up to be a better person, then don’t let doubts poison your mind, heart and soul. You. Think about you, who you are, what you’ve done and who you’ll become. Sometimes when strangers say “maaf zahir dan batin” to you and you may think, “dah kenapa dorang ni mintak maaf dgn aku sedangkan kita tak pernah kenal selama ni”, it serves for whatever happened in the past, or might happen in the future too. Sometimes we make mistakes at times we never even realize it. Kita manusia biasa je. Kita tak sempurna pun. Just accept and move forward.

So, I went on social media today and I saw someone posting about how he hated this kind of gatherings and how he finds it annoying when people complain about not going back for raya because to him, living the dream life is what matters and his dream life is living the ‘out-of-the-norm’ life. Honestly, please, if that’s what you like then so be it. It’s Syawal; a month of fostering love and compassion among all Muslims. No hate, please? And so what if people complain about not going back? They have that kind of sentiment to Raya celebration, and if you don’t, then best be on your way, brother. You don’t understand what these people are going through. Some people miss their loved ones more than you do. Ada yang mungkin atok nenek dia dah tua uzur, tunggu masa je nak pergi. And as a student studying overseas, you’ll never know if this is their last raya, or your last raya. Kita tak tahu, semua Allah swt je yang tahu. And mungkin ni lah peluang terakhir nak sambut raya sama-sama. Ada orang dah bertahun-tahun tak balik raya, duit biasiswa cukup utk buat makan minum, bayar sewa je. Ada yang family tak mampu pun nak belanja ticket balik rumah, unlike most people. Ada yang family tak dapat nak datang lawat kita kat oversea sbb takde duit. Ada yang takde family pun… Kita manalah tahu kan? :’( So please everyone, be considerate... Where's the love?

 First time raya di perantauan. How do I feel? Sakit, aduhai… hahaha. Family semua duk jauh, but I’m still blessed. I spent my 1^st Eid at Malaysian Hall with all my colleagues. It was fun although it was a short meeting. Sampai- sampai dah sibuk nak photoshoot dah semua orang. Makan pun tak sempat. Tapi dapat jugalah merasa makanan kat Malaysian Hall, sedaaaaaaap (dah lapar, mengidam, semua sedap kan? hohoooo).

Habis je pergi Malaysian Hall I was thinking about going back home and sambung mereputz but no, housemates ajak pergi rumah senior lelaki (tak kenal pun, but sokay la janji dpt makanan free hehehehehehhehehe) and maigosh, they cooked nasi kerabu ok nasi kerabu. As a Kelantanese, that’s like HEAVENNNNN. Sedap pulak tu T.T

Then….balik rumah. Baru nak mereput, tetiba teringat housemates nak buat open house. It was a really random idea, and initially I thought it was a joke or something, then suddenly we spent hours of meeting just to figure out what to buy, what to cook, etc. And really, it’s not easy. Duduk pulak negara mat salleh, nak cari gula melaka la kerisik la belacan la daun kesum la, mula la gelabah semua orang, nak cari benda benda tu sume kat mana, semua blur. Haha. I know, y’all be saying ‘duhhhh. Asian market?’ yes, alhamdulillah jumpa juga (walaupun harga dia mashaAllah berlinangan air mata memandang) but sadly daun kesum tak jumpa jumpa jugak. Nasiblah. Issue lagi satu periuk. Mana nak cari periuk besar besar nak pakai sekali je? Maka satu malam itu kami sekawan menelefon semua jiran-jiran tetangga untuk minta pinjamkan periuk and blender besar, plus bonus lagi senduk nak mencedok kuah nanti. It was not my job so I was relaxed, chill je. But I was in charge of making kuah kacang, and I gotta tell you this: it was CHAOTIC. Bertarung dgn minyak memercik dgn sgt brutal nya, OMG minyak, work with me please. But overall it tasted okay so I was a happy whale hayun hayun senduk in the air wiwiwiwiwiwiiiii.

So 2^nd Eid happened. One word: PERFECTION. I never thought organizing our very own open house would be this fun! Although most people who came are those I never know of, but those whom I know made my raya sooooo soooo much better. Ada Mek, Bella, Ezlan, Nigel, Alip, Rifdi, Burn, Farish, Stizz, Den and my juniors kesayangan. Sounds like not much but they made my day, really. Although I did wish the others were there too, like Audy, Anwar, Syahira, Elis, Iqma, etc etc… But I’m sure they’re having fun at home too with their families. Nothing beats home, really.

ok meet mak jemah dan mak senah, y'all

with the legendary forsyth oppas. missing the other 2.

juniors kesayangaaaaaan. miss them so much.

Miya dgn peace sign nya berpisah tiada --'

and there's ezlan daripada jadi photographer tetiba masuk gambar sekali hahaha

It’s a wrap then! Alhamdulillah. About 90 people came and we successfully nailed it. Everyone said the food was great, and I’d like to thank Rifdi too sbb tlg bawakan meehoon tomyam mak dia masak, which was soooo yummy. I miss 2^nd Eid already and I guess that’s the beauty of celebrating raya at perantauan. Yes, it’s hard not to go back. It’s painful to even listen to raya songs without remembering those who we love so dearly. It’s upsetting to know they’re together and you’re not there to join them. Yes. It might not be the same as celebrating raya at home with your family, but celebrating it with your friends can be great too. If you can’t find joy in the greatest things, remember that happiness can also be found in even the smallest things. And sometimes joy comes at times when you least expected it. 

For that, I would like to thank everyone who came the other day and I wish everyone is blessed with a wonderful and heartwarming Syawal. As a wrap of my raya post, a word to all muslims out there, sama-samalah kita hayati bulan mulia ni by trying to become a better person than who we are today and never stop spreading love and kindness to everyone around us, now that the world needs it most.

Next Syawal, should I stay?

NO WAY. KELATE MU TUNGGU AKU MARI!

sekian. miya salzihan